Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
