I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Randomize
