Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Dear god my vagina.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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