I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
