I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
