Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
