I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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