I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
