put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
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