whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Randomize
