I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
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