She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
