Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
