OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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