god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
