Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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