Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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