seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
My life is pants optional.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
