Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
