We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
