please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
