Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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