Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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