I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
