fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
