Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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