I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
