Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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