how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Randomize
