Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
