mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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