This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
