If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
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