Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
