She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
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