My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
