There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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