dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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