Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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