it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
