There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
