peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
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