Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Randomize
