Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
