Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
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