No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Randomize
