I cut my penus on the lid.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Randomize
