This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
