Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
