she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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