Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
