I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
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